The ability to commit violence (by word or deed) is not a strength. True strength is exhibited in our self-control. How we maintain discipline over our own tongue and actions. Not how we curtail other people.
Avoid becoming stuck as your worse self by:
Reimagining who you are
– Who have you always been?
– Who do you want to be?
– Who do you want to be nothing like?
Reimagining your environment
– How did your surroundings impact your character and personality grieving up?
– What aspects do you want to cultivate in your space moving forward?
Reflect on your actions and reactions – good, bad, ugly, & embarrassing.
Thought experiment: Project the idea of your best self into the idea of your best environment. What’s the first step in getting you there in reality?
If you are striving to be the best version of yourself but you keep surrounding yourself with people who bring out the worse in you, you will find your strength when you walk away from the people and environments that keep you at your worse.
You have a choice in how you live. Are you going to grow consciously in the direction of the person you want to be? Are you consciously releasing the person you don’t want to be?
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child, whom he put among them, and said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.
“If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of stumbling blocks! Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to the one by whom the stumbling block comes!
“If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life maimed or lame than to have two hands or two feet and to be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to stumble, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and to be thrown into the hell of fire.
“Take care that you do not despise one of these little ones; for, I tell you, in heaven their angels continually see the face of my Father in heaven. What do you think? If a shepherd has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of your Father in heaven that one of these little ones should be lost.
“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”
Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.
“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his {subjects}. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him; and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, together with his wife and children and all his possessions, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the lord of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But that same servant, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat, he said, ‘Pay what you owe.’ Then his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he would pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
This is a very good teaching on the principle of seeking and giving forgiveness. There are a couple of things I disagree with. For example the layout of the sermon. Pastor Dilena begins with a very profound and life altering and impactful example about the difficulty of forgiving. Throughout the bulk of his message he focuses on slight offenses (someone snubbing you in the street) and how it’s important to let those things go. He’s not wrong, but I think the volume of references slight in connection with the process of forgiveness undermines the impact of his opening example.
The other thing is that he insists that forgiveness means forgetting. It does not.
I believe a lot of people have issues forgiving because they know they won’t forget, or would have difficulty forgetting, a harm or violation. People don’t naturally want to be hypocrites. Some may think they are doing a service by NOT forgiving a conflict until they lose their memory. But truly, how common would that be?
I have never come across an instruction in the Bible to forget offenses, wrongs, harm or violations committed against you. All of life is an ongoing lesson. We can choose how we respond throughout the lesson, but what will have been learned if we can’t pass any test because we forgot everything that molded us in this life? The offenses, responses or reactions and possible resolutions are all part of our cycle of learning. They are all part of the things we bind or loosen here on earth that will follow us to heaven. (Matthew 16:18-19)
That being said, things will naturally fall from our memory. Offenses will loose their weight and sting. Time changes us. Life stages adjust us. Also forgiveness is a healing balm. It’s an act of love that works both ways. Those who ask for forgiveness are declaring they value the relationship they are seeking to repair. Those who offer forgiveness are not saying they are no longer hurt. They are willing to work through the hurt to resolve the conflict and move forward in the relationship.
GotQuestions.org explains it this way:
Isaiah 43:25 says, “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”
[…]God’s “not remembering” is not what we usually think of as forgetfulness. God is omniscient. He knows everything, and He forgets nothing. However, He can choose not to remember something. In human relationships, we can choose to remember the offenses someone has committed against us, or we can choose to forget. To forgive someone, we must often put painful memories out of our minds. We don’t actually forget the sin, and it’s not that we are unable to recall the offense, but we choose to overlook it. Forgiveness prevents us from dwelling on past troubles.
That being said, enjoy the sermon. My scripture notes are below along with a few quotes.
Would you rather be right or reconciled?
Being offended is a choice. You don’t have a choice about what others will do you, but you do have a choice to be offended.
Hurt is porportional to intimacy. The closer you are to someone, the deeper the hurt.
Any hurt not dealt with will turn to bitterness.
It is not enemies who taunt me— I could bear that; it is not adversaries who deal insolently with me— I could hide from them. But it is you, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend, with whom I kept pleasant company; we walked in the house of God with the throng. Let death come upon them; let them go down alive to Sheol; for evil is in their homes and in their hearts. ~ Ps 55:12-15
For your relationships, you have two options when you’re hurt:
You can cover it, or
You can confront it.
We base our forgiveness on what God has done for us not what the other person has done to us.
He who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. ~ Matthew 5:7
Those with good sense are slow to anger, and it is their glory to overlook an offense. ~ Proverbs 19:11
Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins. ~ 1 Peter 4:8
One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend. A rebuke strikes deeper into a discerning person than a hundred blows into a fool. ~ Proverbs 17:9-10
Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:31-32
Jesus answered him, “Very truly, I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God without being born from above.”
Nicodemus said to him, “How can anyone be born after having grown old? Can one enter a second time into the mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Very truly, I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water and Spirit. ~ John 3:4-5
Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried out, “Send everyone away from me.” So no one stayed with him when Joseph made himself known to his brothers. And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard it, and the household of Pharaoh heard it. Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph. Is my father still alive?” But his brothers could not answer him, so dismayed were they at his presence.
Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come closer to me.” And they came closer. He said, “I am your brother, Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. And now do not be distressed, or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in the land these two years; and there are five more years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest. God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. So it was not you who sent me here, but God; he has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house and ruler over all the land of Egypt. Hurry and go up to my father and say to him, ‘Thus says your son Joseph, God has made me lord of all Egypt; come down to me, do not delay. You shall settle in the land of Goshen, and you shall be near me, you and your children and your children’s children, as well as your flocks, your herds, and all that you have. I will provide for you there—since there are five more years of famine to come—so that you and your household, and all that you have, will not come to poverty.’ And now your eyes and the eyes of my brother Benjamin see that it is my own mouth that speaks to you. You must tell my father how greatly I am honored in Egypt, and all that you have seen. Hurry and bring my father down here.” Then he fell upon his brother Benjamin’s neck and wept, while Benjamin wept upon his neck. And he kissed all his brothers and wept upon them; and after that his brothers talked with him.
When the report was heard in Pharaoh’s house, “Joseph’s brothers have come,” Pharaoh and his servants were pleased. Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Say to your brothers, ‘Do this: load your animals and go back to the land of Canaan. Take your father and your households and come to me, so that I may give you the best of the land of Egypt, and you may enjoy the fat of the land.’ You are further charged to say, ‘Do this: take wagons from the land of Egypt for your little ones and for your wives, and bring your father, and come. Give no thought to your possessions, for the best of all the land of Egypt is yours.’”
The sons of Israel did so. Joseph gave them wagons according to the instruction of Pharaoh, and he gave them provisions for the journey. To each one of them he gave a set of garments; but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver and five sets of garments. To his father he sent the following: ten donkeys loaded with the good things of Egypt, and ten female donkeys loaded with grain, bread, and provision for his father on the journey. Then he sent his brothers on their way, and as they were leaving he said to them, “Do not quarrel along the way.”
So they went up out of Egypt and came to their father Jacob in the land of Canaan. And they told him, “Joseph is still alive! He is even ruler over all the land of Egypt.” He was stunned; he could not believe them. But when they told him all the words of Joseph that he had said to them, and when he saw the wagons that Joseph had sent to carry him, the spirit of their father Jacob revived. Israel said, “Enough! My son Joseph is still alive. I must go and see him before I die.”
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call—one Lord, one faith,one baptism,one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift.Therefore it says,
“When he ascended on high he led a host of captives, and he gave gifts to men.”[a]
(In saying, “He ascended,” what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth?[b]He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.)And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds[c] and teachers,[d]to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ,until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood,[e] to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ,so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped,when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
The New Life
Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds.They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.But that is not the way you learned Christ! —assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus,to put off your old self,[f] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds,and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,and give no opportunity to the devil.Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Footnotes:
a. Ephesians 4:8The Greek word anthropoi can refer to both men and women
But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ. And the result of God’s gracious gift is very different from the result of that one man’s sin. For Adam’s sin led to condemnation, but God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins. For the sin of this one man, Adam, caused death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ. ~ Romans 5:15-17 NLT
My prayer for Whitney is that she was in right relationship with her Lord and Savior before she died on February 11, 2012. In the end, that is all that really matters.
What a talent we were blessed with through her voice and music. I admit to being angry with her in recent years. I am not the sort of person who continues to support people when they are obviously doing wrong. I’ll root for them to do better, but I am not going to stay in their corner when they are not right. I am not the type of consumer who spends a dollar to support a habit either. I am not the enabler that builds a person up with false accolades or a show of faithfulness that is not heartfelt. That said, though I’ve been a life-long admirer of Whitney Houston, purchasing and memorizing various LP’s, cassette tapes and CD’s, I refused to support her financially when her drug addiction became known. During her recovery, her highly publicized attempts to rehabilitate her life and her image, I had hoped she would be successful in her quest. I had hoped that her gift would allow her to rise higher than ever before. But when I heard a selection of songs on her last album, I Look to You, I heard a ravaged blessing — a gift that was taken for granted. Her voice was no longer what it had been.
My anger towards Whitney stemmed from my inability to understand how someone could so willfully destroy their gift. We all have special gifts that God has blessed us with – whether or not we are aware of our gift or not. We are gifted even if we choose not utilize our gift. But God has made a way for our gifts to make room for us in the world and bring us before great people or a great multitude of people (Proverbs 18:16). Our gifts are meant to be a blessing to others.
There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. ~ 1 Corinthians 12:4-7 NLT
Remember this: When God blesses you, He intends for you to bless others.
I do understand that people do not comprehend the full scope of the consequences of their actions when they embark on any particular path. They may know in the process of making a decision that things could end up wrong, but invariably they assume that the worst won’t happen to them. I’m not just talking about Whitney; I’m talking about everyone – I’m talking about you – I’m talking about me. We are aware, on some level, that our choices can have some consequences, repercussions and unintended results. We all make and will continue to make choices that harm our life, that can bring harm to others and that we later wish we had not done. But when we make the decision to do that which we later wish we had not done, we don’t consider or even imagine, the magnitude of the situation that one small choice will get us into. [Picture Adam and Eve here.] Our wrong choices aren’t a surprise to God. He isn’t shocked when we mess up. However, His Spirit is grieved when we choose to stay in our mess. He is hurt when we don’t correct ourselves and repent – when we don’t turn back to Him and accept the love sacrifice He provided for us in Jesus Christ, the Greatest Love of All.
Learning to Love Yourself…
I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows If I fail, if I succeed At least I live as I believe No matter what they take from me They can’t take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Is happening to me I found the greatest love of all Inside of me The greatest love of all Is easy to achieve Learning to love yourself It is the greatest love of all
And if by chance, that special place
That you’ve been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love
from The Greatest Love of All; Lyrics by Michael Masser and Linda Creed; Performed by Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston, 1986
Learning to love yourself is only a step towards receiving the greatest love of all. The single, The Greatest Love of All by Whitney on her debut album, Whitney Houston was released in early 1986. I was ten years old. I was being abused at that time and this song became my anthem. I wrote the lyrics down and kept them memorized – I can still sing this song from memory. I was a child and according to the lyrics, I was the future. No matter what was going on in my home life, there was something inside of me that I could depend on. There was something inside of me that would strengthen me. No matter what they (my abusers) took from me, they couldn’t take away my dignity (sense of self). I didn’t’ have to live in the shadow of my abuse – there was something greater in the light. Though the man who should have been my hero was the man destroying my innocence, I didn’t have to live in a destroyed state – I could rise and walk on my own strength (John 5:1-15; see Just do it – Get Up and Walk!). Whitney was the first person to ever tell me to find my strength in love. What a concept.
There is no better principle to live by.
Through this song, Whitney Houston blessed my life in an incomparable way.
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:13 (NLT)
Looking back from my perspective today, I will say that God was speaking to me in a way that I could comprehend at that time. Through the years, He has led me into a deeper understanding of love. Love is at the center of every transformative and transitional moment of my life. If you look, you will see that it is also at the center of all of your pivotal life moments as well.
Nearly fifteen years after The Greatest Love of All was released and changed me from the inside, Love evolved into Forgiveness for me. For the sake of love (in my case, love for my deceased mother), I was willing to forgive my dad for his abuse of me in my youth. I actively went after him to explain my decision to forgive him (as a gift, not for him, but for my dearly departed mother who had loved him) and my desire for a reconciled relationship with him.
Step by step, God has shown, and continues to show, me what love is – in very difficult and painful situations. Yet I have not shied away from the challenge of pursuing love. I embraced it – even then – wholeheartedly, before I knew I was in a process of change; way before I recognized God had me in hand.
Forgiveness evolves into Reconciliation.
Full reconciliation was never achieved with my dad. He wasn’t interested in discussing our history; he kept putting it off for another time. He died while our relationship was in a broken state over another matter altogether – and we had never reconciled our relationship from the first breach. For this reason, the failure of reconciling a significant relationship in my life, I know that opportunities to reconcile will present themselves in other relationships until I make that manifestation of God’s love active and visible in my daily life.
Love evolves us. Love stretches us. It grows us. It teaches us. Love is more than an emotion and a feeling – it’s a way of life. Where would I be today without love? Without learning that love lives in me? Without learning that I can offer love as a gift? Without learning that I can accept love as a peace-offering to heal a relationship? Where would any of us be without love?
The life of Jesus is by far the greatest example of the process of love and its evolutionary results. Jesus was given to the world first as a seed in a young woman’s womb. He was nurtured as a child and educated as a disciple of the One True God, who made Him a leader to the masses. Through the process of His physical death, Jesus provided the opportunity for eternal life for every human being. Jesus came for a purpose. He died for a purpose. He rose for a purpose. Jesus was given for a purpose.
For Love.
John 3:16 says:For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life (NLT). Because of love, God gave. He sacrificed. He allowed life. He allowed fellowship through His gift of love — Jesus Christ is the way for us to get right and stay right with Our Father in Heaven.
Yes Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so Jesus loves me this I know For the Bible tells me so Little ones to him belong They are weak but he is strong
Yes Jesus loves me Oh, yes Jesus loves me Yes Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so
Pressing on the up away Always guide me Lord I pray Undeserving, and stubbornly never fail to love me still
Yes Jesus loves me Oh yes Jesus loves me Oh yes Jesus loves me, for the Bible tells me so Yes Jesus loves me, love Oh yes Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so For the Bible tells me so
(Feels so good to know) that I’m never alone See, sometimes I’m lonely but never alone For the Bible tells, for the Bible tells For the Bible tells me so
Jesus Loves Me; Written by Benjamin Winans & Cedric Caldwell; Performed by Whitney Houston, The Bodyguard, 1992
The two most memorable lessons I learned from my mother are:
1. Treat others as you want to be treated.
2. You can’t hate for anyone.
Nearly everything I learned from my mother, I learned from watching her live; observing how she interacted with and treated others. Occasionally, I ignored one of her lessons and took my cues from how people treated her – dismissively, disrespectfully or abusively. When I responded to them in kind, mom would rebuke me with a great deal of irritation, “You don’t do what other people do! If they jumped off a bridge would you follow behind them?”
I’m sure a couple of times I responded with some slick comment, like, “It depends on how high the bridge is….” In my youth I didn’t understand why she got so angry with me for defending her against people who claimed to love her but treated her so wrong….
What I’ve learned since is, I am like a mirror and a sponge. I soak up everything in my environment and reflect it back to its source. Usually with an intensified twist. So, when I fought mom’s attackers back (usually verbal), I was fighting for a knock-out. I was never interested in back and forth or tic for tac; I wanted to shut the other person down. Had my mother allowed that destructive, errant willfulness to develop, I would have perhaps grown into an angry, hateful, vengeful adult. Emotionally crippled. Spiritually deficient.
On the flip side, when I reflect back any measure of love, kindness, or appreciation within my sphere, it is magnified with a radiance that creates a special space for relationships. My mother re-focused my rare aggressive energy onto things I could do to improve difficult situations, “Instead of doing this, try doing that,” she would say. I didn’t understand it at the time, but she was training me to be a very tolerant, forgiving and resourceful person. Her position was not that ill treatment should be tolerated, however, only that it shouldn’t be responded to with more wrong behavior. In other words, don’t stoke the fire – turn the other cheek. I used to tell her I was out of cheeks.
Mom died fifteen years ago – I was barely a legal adult, but she prepared me well for life. Amazingly, I am still learning about her and still growing from the lessons she imparted so many years ago. I appreciate her more with each year I live. Her most powerful lesson to me was that not even for her should I dishonor myself (the God in me) by returning evil for evil.
If you can’t even hate a person who’s mistreating your mom, then who can you hate?
No one.
Every day I work on being the best person I can possibly be in every interaction I have. I admit it’s a struggle sometimes. Some days my best may be a mere fraction of what my best on better days may be. But I always strive to acknowledge and root out any destructive willfulness that may be looking for a knock-out. I thank God for the loving nurturer He graced my life with. Mom gave the best of herself and she nurtured the best in me.
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets. ~ Matthew 7:12
“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. ~ Matthew 5:38-39
“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. ~ Matthew 5:43-45
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. ~ Proverbs 22:6
