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People are disappointing

Black Women Stand Alone

Disappointment as a faith-builder

Disappointments by family and friends can have life-altering and personality-changing impact. My most painful disappointments have helped refine my faith and how I view my abilities and capabilities. There is no level or area of human interaction that has not led to disappointment in my life. Still I would not trade any disappointment I’ve experienced for any amount of temporary satisfaction. Even being an orphaned aging single woman without children has its blessings on the long backend of life.

Without monumental disappointments throughout life – childhood rape, death of mother, inability to afford college, rejection by love interests, lack of corporate upward mobility, threatening racists neighbors – my faith would be nothing. Without adversity faith is only a whimsical word. Without the strengthening of my faith, I would be a flimsy woman.

Count it all joy, my brothers & sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. ~ James 1:2-4

It was because of my childhood abuse that I began writing regularly to God in my dairy. I wrote the prayers I cried myself to sleep with. My journaling remains a prayer and conversation with my Creator today.

My mother knew every shadowy and lit corner of my soul, yet she loved and stood with me. When she died it was truly akin to losing a part of myself. After four years of deep grief, I began looking for a way to gift her on the other side of life with all the pent up love I have for her.

It was through my conversation, prayers and journaling with my Creator that I received my first practical lesson on gifts of the spirit not being restricted to this temporal frame. I wanted to give my deceased mother a gift of love and the instruction I received was to forgive my rapists, one of whom was her husband and my dad. I put my forgiveness in action with a call to him, then spent a few years trying to build a relationship with him.

Please note: the instruction was to forgive, not to interact or build relationship. Interacting with my dad allowed for many disappointments.

Struggling to acquire a degree with the goal of accessing better employment opportunities kept me at odds with relatives who were content with the status quo of functional poverty.

As I healed my body, mind and spirit, through my teens and twenties, I thought a loving a relationship was only a matter of time. As time marched on, I blamed my inability to connect with men on the abuse I sustained as a child. Speaking with my dad after one disastrous date with an overly aggressive man, triggered me into realizing violators should not have a place of honor in my life. I could forgive him and be cordial but that didn’t mean he needed access to my intimate struggles, especially those rooted in his violence against me.

Looking for someone to love usually leads to overly accommodating users and abusers. Each time I go down the wrong road of attempting to love people unworthy of my devotion, I am reminded that I exposed myself because of my desire for the romanticized version of love the world revels in. However, what is for the world is not for me. Each rejection from a romantic interest had me burrowing deeper into God’s version of love.

The early idealism of economic freedom through education collided harshly with the American Dream of endless corporate opportunities. Even in one of the most freedom-loving cities in the United States, New York City, a Black Woman aspiring beyond a support role is not supported at all. After eleven years with the company and a newly minted master’s degree, being told that my credentials were worth less than a second-year intern for a role I applied for was a painfully stark reminder of the futility of chasing the world’s rewards.

Quitting was liberating. Being unemployed is scary. Having some resources, a great deal of experience, education, and most of all tried-and-tested-faith allows for some confidence in my ability to create my own opportunities.

In 2020, just as Covid-19 was making its way around the world, I was informed that some of my white neighbors in a semi-remote mountain neighborhood outside of Tucson, Arizona, were congregating to discuss “throwing rocks through my windows and burning my home.” Historically speaking, the neighbors were amassing a lynch mob – to terrorize me.

Disappointment as a fuel for rage

I would like to say nothing in my life prepared me for becoming a target for a lynch mob, but if you’ve read this far, you already know everything in my life prepared me for such an atrocious experience.

However, during that period, I battled most with myself. My pride demanded holding the plotting perpetrators accountable. Rage demanded I stand my ground and fight back. They burn me out, the same fire would burn them out. Sifting through such powerful emotions was hard. I knew Arizona was a transitional place for me. Staying only to fight seemed to violate my higher purpose. Ignoring the need to stand up for myself violated my personhood.

At some point I had to calm my rage enough to ask myself questions about the next steps for my life. Was I going to focus on the enemy’s latest distraction or double-down in the work God was performing in my life? What type of energy would be required to respond in kind to the ugly hatred of people who didn’t know me personally but chose to plot against me and my home? 

So if you think you are standing, watch out that you do not fall. No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

I decided to sell my home and leave Arizona. The test in the process was giving all my rage and uncertainty to God – not allowing rage and fear to control my actions. Letting go – much quicker than in prior situations. Also surrendering all my hopes and plans for my future to my Creator.

I had been desperately trying to line up my next steps. I wanted to know where I was going before I left where I was. That’s what I had done before taking the leap to leave New York City where I had a home, employment with benefits and social outlets. I went from my home in New York to a newly built home in Arizona. Beyond that, nothing planned or hoped for came to fruition in my desert wilderness.

So in leaving Arizona for parts unknown, I was willing to set aside my thoughts for what would work for me. I admitted to not having the slightest idea beyond knowing God’s will for my life is far better than anything I can imagine.

Disappointment contours perspective

All of the major violations in my life have been by people who felt entitled to cause harm and violence against me because they considered me unworthy of my own autonomy. They thought they had controlling rights to my body, voice, time and future. They didn’t think I deserved what I had acquired or what I was reaching for. They held no value for my achievements or my personhood.

All the major non-violent disappointments result from the vagaries of life, things we don’t really have any say over – time of death, human chemistry and the overall impact of human interactions and relationships.

I share all this to say: every painful disappointment (outcome other than what was hoped or prayed for or expected) that has shaped my life (altered trajectory and reality) has driven the roots of my faith deeper into the Spirit of God. Not only am I strengthened with each attack on my life, I also increase in wisdom and confidence.

As Maya Angelou said, I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now. I wouldn’t trade in the hard knocks and near destructions, nor the rejections and betrayals. They may not yet be seen as opportunities for joy, but they certainly make the joy I have more unshakable. Having survived my life thus far, peace is not some quiet place outside of me. Peace has become an environment within me that I am committed to nurturing and protecting.

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No hero is coming to save me.

Culture: The customs, arts, social institutions, and achievements of a particular nation, people or other social group

Culture is an interesting thing. We get inundated with messages as we go about our days and lives. Yet most of the messages we consume and live are not really meant to do us any good. They’re intended to distract us, entertain us, aid our dream and fantasy formation. We are marketed forms of escapism twenty-four hours a day. Unfortunately, we don’t process the escapist marketing as illogical goods, or ideas with no practical application, or as fraud or even as useless rubbish.

My whole life has been marked by stories of heroes with superhuman powers. I grew up with Christopher Reeves’ Superman and Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane. A line that has walked with me throughout my life was delivered by Lois after Superman caught her after a fall from a skyscraper, “You’ve got me, but who’s got you?” Every time I meditate on this line, the same thought comes to me: “You may have saved me but who’s gonna save you?” The underlining premise of the idea of Superman is that he doesn’t require a savior. Even when soundly defeated, he rises again and again stronger and more determined. But Lois Lane was able to see beyond that projection. She was always aware of his vulnerability not just to kryptonite but by widespread human destruction. 

Hero: a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements or noble qualities. 

I don’t remember the first time I saw Superman the movie, but it was first released when I was three years old. I spent a lot of my childhood waiting for Superman to swoop in and save me from the freefall that was my life. 

Enter Saturday morning cartoons during my adolescence. Superpowers became a bonding experience (X-men), a beauty and fashion exposition (G.E.M), a universal endowment (He-Man), a centering connection to a greater body (Thunder Cats). The narrative became one of not just individual greatness but a greatness that multiplied in partnership or a collective. For many years I thought my siblings and cousins were my partners and collective. But life will teach you things you are always ready to see. Most of my young adulthood was spent waiting for family to champion me.

Enter the working woman who’s determined to have it all. Claire Huxtable, Maggie Seaver, Elyse Keaton and Aunt Viv. We’re shown them all managing post-adolescent children in extremely hectic households while maintaining not only their careers but lovingly demonstrative marriages. Before they hit the screen they had built-in support systems – a partner, teen/adult children and sometimes a housekeeper. These women didn’t get into messes they needed saving from. They were the wise counselors, trusted confidants and heroes of their households. I spent my twenties and thirties trying to get to a point to begin building towards these fictional images.

As I look back on a life heavily influenced by narratives of superpowers, super transformations and collectives as a multiplier, I have to verbally tell myself: no hero is coming to save me. No one is going to show up at my door and swoop me and my troubles up into their arms. No family is going to adopt me fully into their tribe and share the burden of my worries. I am not going to return home tonight to a partner and children who alter the focus of my reality. The burdens, worries and reality are all mine to deal with. Alone. On my own. There’s no hiding. There’s no sharing. There’s no real way to stay balanced. It’s the nature of the world that we are distracted from.

In the center of these moments of realness is the knowledge and understanding that I am endowed by the life of Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit to show up for myself. I believe this is what we are being distracted from: the power we have within ourselves to right our corner of the world. To improve our existence by aligning with the Spirit that created us all. If we maintain a focus outside of ourselves it’s hard to recognize our own internal power. Without recognition, there is no focus or development. The world will keep us distracted. Perhaps my superpower is learning to occasionally quiet the world and amplify my spirit. 

We already know what to do, but we have to maintain a line of communication with the Spirit of Wisdom and Knowledge. One of my favorite reminders in the Bible takes place during the Exodus. The Israelites are fleeing the Egyptians. Moses makes a great speech about how there was no need to worry because God was going to fight their battle and defeat their enemy. God stepped in and said, “Nah. Why y’all crying out to me? Keep moving forward!” This is me moving forward.

As Pharaoh drew near, the Israelites looked back, and there were the Egyptians advancing on them. In great fear the Israelites cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us, bringing us out of Egypt? Is this not the very thing we told you in Egypt, ‘Let us alone and let us serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.” But Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid, stand firm, and see the deliverance that the Lord will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you see today you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why do you cry out to me? Tell the Israelites to go forward. But you lift up your staff, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the Israelites may go into the sea on dry ground. Then I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them; and so I will gain glory for myself over Pharaoh and all his army, his chariots, and his chariot drivers. And the Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord, when I have gained glory for myself over Pharaoh, his chariots, and his chariot drivers.”

Exodus 14:10-18

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Summary of Lessons Learned in December 2012

LaShawnda Jonesby LaShawnda Jones

Click on the passage to read the full post. Enjoy and Happy New Year to all!

Lesson of the season: Our true strength comes from within – from the indwelling Spirit of Christ sustaining us. What you cannot do for yourself, the Holy Spirit will guide and carry you through. This was by far one of the loneliest physical moments of my life, yet I had never been more sure of God’s presence being with me. In that regard, it was by far one of the most enlightening moments of my life.

Lesson 2: When we are able to accept our greatness with a humbleness of spirit – which is knowledge that all that we are is a gift of grace not an act of our will or product of our effort – only then will we walk clear of the fall pride has prepared for us.

Lesson 3: The sin you’re proud of, is the sin that will destroy you. Destruction comes in many forms, but ultimately, destruction is separation from God. Luckily for each of us, God has made a way for us all to get right with Him.

Lesson 4: God is not interested in what you think of yourself when your thoughts do not line up with His thoughts for you and your relationships. It is important to know what God thinks of you, how He hears you and how He sees you. It does your life no good for God to be against you… or rather, for you to be against God. So lay down your pride and avoid experiencing God’s opposition to you. Embrace humbleness in your spirit and experience God’s abounding grace.

Lesson 5: Get over yourself.

Lesson 6: When you enter a season of quiet, just be still.

Lesson 7: Movement is crucial to survival. You can stay stagnant and die or move forward and grow. You may not make it to your ideal destination, but you will make to where you need to be.