Self-love – Harvest Life

While having a late brunch at Melba’s, one of my favorite spots on NYC and this song came on. Three other women were in the restaurant with their men and we all seemed to burst out at the first note: “I found out what I’ve been missing / Always on the run…”

This was a hair brush song for me when it came out in the mid-80’s, but the self-reflection it brought about today would make you think it was attached to someone in my life. Unfortunately, I can’t recall anyone who has given me good love. Perhaps that’s why the self-reflection lead to sadness…that along with the fact that the other women singing along were looking at their men and smiling the words into their eyes.

During a conversation with a friend earlier today, manipulators and controllers became a topic. I call it a spirit of manipulation and control since I know people from every area of my life who have submitted to it. It’s a destructive spirit that has been prevalent in many people whose wills have collided with mine.

I shared with my friend the story of a young man I met in my early twenties shortly after my mother died. His personality and desire for a relationship with me were more than I was equipped to handle during that period in my life, so he ended up overwhelming me emotionally. He was ready for marriage and children and spoke of taking me to Africa to meet his mother. I was focused on surviving moment to moment, trying to cope with the reality that losing my mother gained me legal guardianship of my teenage sister. I asked him repeatedly to give me time…just give me time and we can explore this – I can’t handle a relationship right now. But he pressured me until I shut down….and disappeared. I have often said he set me back in my dating life. I avoided men for a long time because he represented a vice-like grip men seemed to use on me when allowed in my space; holding on with a determination to change my life to suit theirs.

Where would I be… who would I be, had I allowed him to consume me then?

I know I wouldn’t resemble the woman I am today.

My friend made this profound observation, “Had he worked with you as a partner instead of trying to dominate you, he could have won you and I’m sure you would have followed him anywhere in the world – simply because he was your man and he had worked to make you comfortable with his manhood.”

Very true.

The type of man he was then would be wonderful for me now – attentive, present, direct, decisive, focused, determined, demanding. I’m not concerned with losing myself in another’s personality anymore. Mostly because I demand to be seen and accepted for who I am. And in being who I am, I too have become a forceful personality – attentive, alert, direct, no nonsense, independent with a true desire for a mutually dependent and respectful relationship. In embracing and nurturing all of me, I have become the best lover of me. I’ve learned to give good love to myself and that has become the greatest possible love a person can have.

YOU GIVE GOOD LOVE by Whitney Houston

I found out what I’ve been missing
Always on the run
I’ve been looking for someone

Now you’re here like you’ve been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see

That you give good love to me baby
So good take this heart of mine into your hands
You give good love to me baby
Never too much
Baby you give good love

Never stopping I was always searching
For that perfect love
The kind that girls like me dream of

Now you’re here like you’ve been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see

That you give good love to me baby
So good take this heart of mine into your hands
You give good love to me baby
Never too much
Baby you give good love

Now I’ve stopped looking around
Each night what this life’s all about
Our love is here to stay
Baby you give good love

…and a bonus…

I DIDN’T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH by Whitney Houston

On Reason and Passion

And the priestess spoke again and said: Speak to us of Reason and Passion.

And he answered, saying:

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite.

Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.

But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.

Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows — then let your heart say in silence, “God rests in reason.”

And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky — then let your heart say in awe, “God moves in passion.”

And since you are a breath in God’s sphere, and a leaf in God’s forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.

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It’s an amazing thing to be a lover of all your elements. I am who I am . Can’t be who you want me to be. Nor do I want to be. Many people move through life posing as people-pleasers, then wonder why they are so dissatisfied. Seek God first and the rest will follow. What followed for me was a depth of self-evaluation, a wealth of self-knowledge and complete acceptance of who I am. I still fight with some of my elements (I’m the lady on the park bench talking to herself… you know the one you rush your kids past! [smile]), but I love and embrace them all.

I believe by accepting and loving all my elements, I am able to love you a whole lot better!

Be blessed!

LaShawnda