Reflection Journal, Day 1

One thought on “Reflection Journal, Day 1”

1. Self-love is an evolution for me.

   My journey to self-love began with the idea that I could fill in the gaps caused by neglect and abuse. I could find others to give me what I wasn’t getting from my family. I poured a great deal of myself into friendships.

   Eventually, I recognized the one-sidedness of my friendships. They didn’t remedy the neglect and abuse. Instead, they began to mimic the familial relationships I attempted to supplement.

   As all these relationships began getting pruned from me, I became intentional about giving myself the expressions of love I desired from others.

   Eventually, love became more than “filling in” or replacing what I felt was lacking from the people I loved in my life.

   I became the love I wanted. The beginning of my conscious self-love journey was seeing myself as I wanted to be seen. Seeing the truth of my existence and intentions.

   I wanted people to show up for me; I showed up for myself – loudly, estatically. I wanted to be seen and heard. I made sure I paid attention to my own voice and asserted it when it mattered to me. I wanted to be understood. I dove deeper into my journaling. I asked myself hard questions and wrote about the most painful and the most joyful things and everything in between.

   I’ve been in and out of the Bible all my life, but significant understanding didn’t come until I got deep into Bible study in my thirties. In my early studies, I sought to learn more about who and why I AM. To learn about me, I had to learn about my Creator.

   When I accepted and embraced the idea that GOD LOVES ME, it no longer made sense to entertain people in my life who hated what God loved.

   As I got deeper into my faith practice, self-love became a way of seeing myself as my Creator sees me. Self-love began to evolve into this idea that I needed to block out the people that didn’t see me or respect me or love me the way God loved me, treated and honored me. And so it became this process of elimination. Eliminating bad actors, hurtful people and sabateurs from my presence and life.

   This stage of self-love was essentially a process of elimination. The pruning and burning were intense. At first, I fought the pruning because I preferred the relationships. I believed people would eventually choose to love me and treat me well. But my holding on to them, hindered my understanding and growth.

   I was attached to people and God was teaching me to seek only Him/Her/Them – The Great Holy Spirit, The Creator. The pruning taught me to release attachments. I learned to hold people, relationships, treatment, words and actions up against the Words God formed me with, spoke into me and soothed me with. At that point it became relatively easy to let go and walk away.

   Now, in my current stage of self-love, there are no grand gestures. I’m all about enjoying my existence. Embracing life in the form I’m in. Accepting joy in the ways I engage with it. I sit in a space where I can simply be. Enjoy my motion, my breath, my sight, my hearing – all my senses and functions. I can enjoy simply being who I am as I am. The taste of food. The feel of a breeze, the sound of the lake rushing against the shore. Giving myself time to acknowledge nature – within and around me – are the most loving moments I enjoy embracing.

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