in·ti·ma·cy: close familiarity or friendship; closeness; a private cozy atmosphere
com·mu·ni·ca·tion: the imparting or exchanging of information or news; the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings
Pseudo-intimacy of social media
Expressive and direct communication is something I am known for. It’s also something I have appreciated about myself throughout my adulthood. However, over the last several years (close to a decade), it has become more and more difficult for me to articulate the things that affect me deepest. This impediment has worsened exponentially since Covid-19 ravaged the world.
Sourcing the root has never been hard. Initially, it was the pseudo-intimacy of Facebook that knocked me off kilter. The process of “friending” people you may only know in passing in real life grants visual access to a broader range of their life than the limited one-dimensional slot you may have encountered them in. Even if you only have acquaintance or public access (able to see the things they share with everyone), you can begin to determine their likes, dislikes, hobbies, joys, frustrations, and general personality. If you have family or close friend access to their profile, you are exposed to more – what and how they think, their beliefs, passions, fears, anxieties, loved ones, significant others, favorite people, co-workers – their entire online sphere.
And just like that, strangers have a collection of intimate data points about people they have no actual experiential intimate knowledge of. Meaning, there was no conversation, action, or event that facilitated the acquisition of intimate details. There was no direct engagement that applied value to the information. The level of interpersonal interaction required to truly connect people through shared experiences is absent on social media platforms.
Facebook is my primary example. However, all social media platforms create a false sense of intimacy… and build on a base of false communication.
Across these spaces, the one thing that irks me most are people who monitor my social media posts but refuse to engage publicly. They will call, text, or email and want to have a separate conversation about something I put in a public forum. If I wanted to talk about something I posted, I would initiate that conversation privately. Once it’s posted, I’m done with it. It’s been processed, thought about, turned over, edited, and released.
The reason this irks me is because these people don’t want to leave a foot print. They’re hiding. And/or, they don’t want a public link. For whatever reason, they don’t want to be associated with me publicly. Their attempt to engage with my public content privately is a way of attempting to pacify me in the shadows they cling to.
A good portion of these people are relatives. Like most families, there’s a lot of drama on both sides of mine. In recent years, I’ve completely cut off an aunt and uncle for their egregiously violent disrespect of me while I was visiting them on separate occasions. They both suffered under the misconception that they could do and say anything to family members and maintain access to their lives. One thing I have no tolerance for is any attempt to harm me. I am generally the Peace keeper and the one trying to calm folks down. During their respective incidents they each squared up with me and threatened violence for not accepting their malicious treatment.
They are the two youngest of my mother’s siblings. Mom was the oldest, and I am her oldest child. We are close in age. I let them know the respect they had from me up to that point was due to our familial relationship. At the point they attempted to cause me harm, they no longer existed as family to me.
My older aunt and uncles feel like I overreacted. They thought it was just a matter of me getting over being angry. They decided to side with their younger siblings. Their allegiance is evidenced by their public interactions, none of which are with me. I get the occasional calls and texts.
Family as a false comfort
Relatives assume their blood ties afford them access they have not cultivated in a relational way.
My maternal uncles are not good communicators. It’s frustrating trying to get information out of them and to impart information to them. For the last half of my life, most “conversations” with three of my mom’s brothers would basically be:
Hi.
How are you?/Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas/Happy New Year
You got a man yet?
Ok. Bye.
People who aren’t honest in their communication eliminate the possibility of intimacy and diminish trust. Without trust, what depth can a relationship have? In the words you speak carry no weight or value, what is the point of attempting to have a conversation?
That’s it. They never asked about school, work, where I lived, how I lived, what I did for fun. Occasionally, they asked about a female friend and almost always about my siblings. Never any get-to-know-me questions. I can usually get out a couple of questions about how they’re doing, how they like their job or new home/city. How they’re getting along with their wife/girlfriend. Sometimes they’ll share an update on their children/grandchildren. Almost always, they abruptly end the call.
This holiday, Uncle #3 texted Merry Christmas and asked what I did. I told him I stayed in bed most of the day.
He replied, “Who with? LOL!”
I’m still offended by that comment. Am I not worthy of rest on my own? I can only enjoy my bed if I have a man or bedmate? My life and holiday can’t just be mine simply because I exist? And the way I exist is a joke to you?
I responded, “How is that an appropriate or necessary question?”
He apologized.
The day after Christmas, Uncle #1 texted me “Happy Kwanzaa.” I don’t celebrate Kwanzaa. Never have. Have never indicated I’m interested in it. I’ll be 49 this year – it has never been part of our holiday greetings. I responded that I couldn’t tell him which day of Kwanzaa it was. He sent me a screenshot of Kwanzaa information.
It’s crossing my mind that some people work hard at not connecting meaningfully with others.
That said, Uncle #1 has improved his communication over the last few years, but he is still a struggle. He actively watches my social media but never engages online. However, he will engage online with other nieces and nephews. When he first got on my Instagram pages, he’d call and ask me questions about my posts. I explained to him that I wasn’t going to sit and talk about something I’ve already spent time posting about. He can ask me about something else. It took him a while, but now he will occasionally ask for updates on old posts. “How’s the shed coming?” “What are you doing now on the house?” “How do you like the new job?”
He gets so much more information this way, he usually has to stop me to hang up!
That being said, I’ve learned he’s not the most honest or forthcoming communicator about himself. I’ve caught him in a couple of lies or misdirection. Perhaps his intent is to say whatever sounds the most convenient to get me to stop asking him questions. But it will be about important things. For example, he has a serious illness. When I began renovating the house I’m working on, he offered to come help me with the renovation. I took him at his word and was excited for the offer of help. I followed up a couple of times to see when he thought he might come. At some point, he said he wouldn’t be able to help because of his illness. So I stopped asking. Two years after I purchased the rehab, he said, “Let me know when you finish so I can come visit.” Perplexed, I told him when I finish, I’m selling or renting and it would be too late for a visit. A couple of months ago, he called and said he wanted to move in to help me finish. I reminded him that he couldn’t be around the dust or whatever because of his illness. “What are you talking about,” he asked. I reminded him of what he had told me. He said he didn’t say that.
At this point, Uncle #1 hasn’t really followed through on anything he’s indicated he wanted to do with me. He’s loss my ear. And I’m no longer willing to dedicate energy towards him.
Seeking deep waters
Honestly, family interactions are very surface. My relatives have never been confidants or close companions. But the family connections feed off the idea of intimacy and direct access for open communication.
The deeper things for me are the friendships I’ve actively cultivated throughout the span of my adulthood.
My friends have always been my chosen family. The people I intentionally interacted with to explore myself, life and relationships.
The problem for me is that “friend” is a much lesser word than “family” to many people. Perhaps to all in my friend group. Trying to navigate spaces as your fully authentic self with people who are reserved and calculated with their interactions leads to some form of malfunction.
For me, my malfunction revolved around processing the deep emotional hurts that didn’t seem to derive from real interactions or full conversations.
If you can’t process what’s real, if you can’t determine if a relationship is or isn’t, if you believe you’re in communication but can’t substantiate how messages are received then you start to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt your understanding, hearing, vision, and storytelling. You stop sharing the things you’re confused about. Eventually, you, too, begin hugging the shadows and embrace hiding your truth in conversations.
A one-way bridge is still a bridge. Unfortunately, no one focuses on upgrading to mutuality when they can get by with the bare minimum. When that one-way feed breaks down, how does either party make their way back to the other?
I’ve only ever spoken my truth when I spoke. Coming to terms with my truth not being recognized, heard, understood, or reciprocated has drained me of the desire to try. Silence has never been a strong suit of mine, but these last several years, silence has been enveloping me into a snug cocoon.
There’s some tangents I will explore with future posts. Until then, this quote sums up a lot of what I’ve been attempting to articulate: “…what we crave are the deep waters of intimacy, created when the rivers of friendship and love become one.” ~ Jonathon Muncy Storm, IG @jmstormquotes
The below thread showed up on my timeline after I posted this piece. Daniel Koepke describes exactly what I could not quite get to and articulate for myself.
Harvest Life 
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