- To declare, acknowledge or avow by way of revelation
- To own or admit as true
- To acknowledge one’s belief or faith in; declare adherence to
The most heartbreaking tests are the easy ones – the unexpected pop quizzes that prove us lacking. We know the correct answers but second guess ourselves throughout. Our lack of expectation – our lack of readiness – shames us. I recently experienced such a test. My failure cut me deep. After all, isn’t it true that what your mouth confesses when you’re not thinking is representative of what you truly believe? At least, that’s what I concluded and therefore I was deeply ashamed of my unguarded words. I had to repent my negative confessions.
Before I share the shameful confessions, I’ll share why they’re shameful….
Years ago I was told in my spirit that my husband is coming. And I believed immediately. I was even given imperatives – Go, get ready! I was told to go to a certain city to meet him (husband), and then go on my way to continue building it. Build it and he will come became my refrain – that was the reminder whenever I got off course. Over the years of looking for “its” to build – education, home, career, self – I finally scored correctly when I started building my relationship with God. When I realized that was the “it” I had to build, I devoted myself to the labor. Somewhere along this relationship path I have come to believe I am the mother of a new generation of believers. I see my children as obedient Children of Christ who praise and worship God as He has always intended for us all to do.
My location in the process has been revealed in updates and encouraging messages over time. Two Thanksgivings ago, I joined a friend at her aunts’ house for dinner. I had met one of her aunts at another dinner earlier in the year. As I walked into the house of my friends’ aunt, her other aunt took one look at me and said “I see wedding bells!” Then she proceeded to tell me when the wedding would take place and that she also saw me with child.
I was speechless. She offered more detail than I was used to from the Fathers’ messengers, but her message was in line with the others. It did cross my mind that I was given detailed information to keep me afloat through some coming difficulties. Perhaps God threw me a log to keep my faith afloat in an upcoming storm. Indeed, the following year was extremely difficult. I experienced the breakdown of another extremely close friendship and my employment was up in the air with the only certainty being my imminent termination. I was back to doubting my ability, my purpose and my value to others.
So that’s the background. I know my husband and children are not only in my future, but they are most certainly on their way.
The Confessions
Over the last holiday season, I had three questions put to me. Questions I knew the answer to, but failed to provide.
A man I see nearly every day as I enter my office building caught me off guard one morning when he asked, “Are you married?”
I usually have a very fluid walk in the morning, however that question tripped me to a baffled halt. “No.”
“Are you taking applications?”
“No. Unfortunately, I’m stuck on someone.”
“Ah, good for him!”
“Yeah, well… not so good for me….” I was irritated. My normally cheery morning glow completely disappeared. By the time I got to my desk I had admitted that I was disgusted with myself for hanging on to a hope that didn’t appear to be manifesting or benefiting my life.
Two days later, again as I arrived at work, I rode the elevator up with another man I see regularly. He had never asked me a personal question either. He turned to me and asked, “How’s your family?”
I looked at him perplexed, “What family?”
“Your family. How is your family,” he persisted.
“I don’t have a family.”
“No, your family… I’m just asking how they’re doing….” He was looking rather uncomfortable by this point.
And I was feeling like an orphaned idiot, “It’s just me. I don’t have anyone.”
As I was clearing my desk that evening, yet another person I see daily stopped and asked me another question. She looked around my workspace and asked, “Where are your children?”
I got angry. I looked heavenward briefly and asked Him what was going on! Are you punkin’ me, Father?
I calmly told the woman, “I have no children.” When those words left my lips, the anger left me as well. I was unsettled and my spirit was disturbed. For the rest of that night and the whole of the next day I struggled with my negative confessions. I asked God for a do-over. Begged Him, actually! I felt very much like Peter denying Christ, only I had denied my promises!
Oh me of little faith! Where had my faith gone that I could be left so exposed?
By the time church service came around the following day, I was jumping around in my skin, excited for Monday to come! My do-over assignment was to go to each of those people and tell them what I know to be true. It was imperative that I retract my negative responses. After all, life and death is in the power of the tongue! (Proverbs 18:21) The last word on my future was not going to be no husband, no children, no family!
I stopped to have a word after service with the pastor and his wife. I shared the events of the last four days and told them how I was immediately convicted of my error after the third negative reply. The pastor had preached a word of confirmation for me that morning and I thought it only right to share his role in my enlightenment. He had said of David: He was focused on the reward, not the problem. I had gotten so down about being a solitary figure in this world, growing increasingly disconnected from more and more people, that I had lost sight of my promised earthly reward: a husband and children of my own.
David didn’t see a giant when he went out to fight Goliath; he saw an avenue through which his life was going to be enriched. And truly my life has been very enriched on this lonely walk. In many ways I am very grateful for the time and opportunity to focus on my learning and growth. I am very happy others aren’t made to suffer for my missteps. I know all of my Father’s work – pruning, teaching, weeding, cleansing, feeding, nurturing, cultivating – of my body, spirit and mind is only God preparing ground (me) to receive the seed (His Word and promises) He’s offering in order for me to bear the fruit He wants my life to yield. Sometimes it’s hard for me to appreciate that process. But when I get it, I know I got it! Just as His words do not return to Him void, I know my life will not return to Him void of His intent for it.
At the risk of looking and sounding crazy, I approached each of my three testers the next day at work and told them I wished to give them different answers to the questions they had asked me.
“I have a husband, however he hasn’t been placed with me yet. He’s on his way.”
“My family is well and blessed! Thank you!”
The two men looked at me sideways, which had me ready to abort the do-over before I reached the woman. But I pressed on. I approached her and said, “My children haven’t been birthed yet, but they are quite healthy! Thanks for asking.”
She gave me a knowing look and said, “I’m glad to hear it.”
